From Afar

What do you see?

The world in my mind has been more grim than I expected it to be these past weeks. What was happening outside my mind was filled with new and weird and exciting and challenging things I could only hope for in the past but I was too short-sighted and self-centred to be filled with as much gratitude and joy and hope as I should have.

I wasn’t totally ungrateful, but the nagging pessimism and paranoia in my mind kept me from fully experiencing the moment and caused me to act in immature and selfish ways. I only saw this as I perused my daily and weekly journal entries. I became an outsider and a spectator in my own life by reading my journal and it seemed like I watched myself act as an annoying, despicable character in a film.

It feels like I’ve been awakened and healed from a long, poisoned sleep and I’m suddenly filled with hope and joy and gratitude for all that has transpired because now I can use them to become a little better than my yesterday self and love those around me just a little more.

Amidst all these, I realised how easy it is to be too focused on the present without regard for the past and the future. I was taken aback by the surprises that hit me that I forgot how much I longed for the experiences I was already having, how much I love those around me, and just how beautiful everything is, despite all the imperfections that don’t even matter now anyway.

I also realised all the more just how important it is to frequently take a step back and see things from afar to put everything in perspective.

What do you see?

I hope that whatever or whoever it is, you’ll remember to see it from a different perspective too. Because it’s often not all there is.

Thirst

Like water that persists through the tiniest and deepest crevices and cracks, love persists and finds its way even through brokenness.
Like water that washes away all dirt as it moves, love in action cleanses away all wrongs and doubts.
Like water that quietly and patiently wears away all hardness, enough of a calm, quiet, yet deep love will soften even the hardest of hearts.

Like water that can take many forms, love exists in many ways that we often miss.
Like a tidal wave, a tsunami, or a rainstorm, love comes from different origins and doesn’t always come in the package we expect. It lifts us up, but it can also ruin us.
Like water vapour that can’t be seen with the naked eye but is the most abundant greenhouse gas in the atmosphere, sometimes love evades all our senses but that doesn’t make it any less real.
Like crashing waves or tears rolling down one’s cheeks, love can be loud or quiet, but in any form, it is always real.

Like water, the elixir of life, love nurtures us and brings out the best in us.
Like water that can be as big as the oceans that have covered the earth for billions of years now, love covers all and endures.

Like the water crisis that many parts of the world are already experiencing, a love crisis has overtaken us because love has been distorted into all sorts of mess. We don’t care enough. We don’t love enough. And we’re too afraid to love even just a little more. Because we also can’t see and feel that we’ve been loved enough and that we’re far more loved than we can imagine. We don’t know how to love. And we don’t know how to accept love.

So amidst all this blur, here’s one attempt to communicate my love a little clearer.

When I say I love you, it means that I treasure you in my present and see you in my future. I’m grateful for you. I’m grateful to you.
When I say I love you, it means that I see you, but I know it’s not the whole and so I’d love to see more if you don’t mind. I want to understand you better.
When I say I love you, it terrifies me but I carry on. You’re worth it.
When I say I love you, it means that I see you and because of that and in spite of that, I want to stay and I want you to stay. I accept you—all of you.
When I say I love you, it means that I’m here for you because I want to, even when you don’t need me to. You matter to me.
When I say I love you, it means that I’m choosing you each passing day. I’m committed to you.

When I say I love you, it means that I’ve given you the power to hurt me but I’m also trusting you that you’ll do your best not to.
When I say I love you, it means that your joy is my joy and your pain is my pain.
When I say I love you, it means that you’ll own a piece of my heart for always.

When I say I love you, it’s a reminder for me too, of my commitment to us.
When I say I love you, I’m holding nothing back.
When I say I love you, I’m home…

When I say I love you, I mean it, so don’t take it lightly.
When I say I love you, don’t say it back just yet… Accept it. Feel it.

When you say you love me, I hope you’ll say it with thought and care.
When you say you love me, what do you really mean?

How Are You?

It’s difficult to answer that question
Because…

First of all,
I need to know,
Would you listen?
Would you understand?
Or at least, would you try
To understand
Even when you can’t truly relate?

Second, I also need to know,
Whenever you ask, “How are you?”
How much time
Can you afford to give
For my answer?
Because it really depends on which aspect of myself you’re referring to
Are you willing to chat over coffee?
Over drinks?
And go deep into the night?

It’s not just that—
It’s a really cumbersome question to answer…
I sometimes find it hard to gauge
If your question
Is sincere
It could’ve arisen from a number of different factors
Say, a setup in an agenda,
A favour, a plea…
It’s okay and I don’t mind
But it would be nice if I were aware
So I know what I would only answer when you ask,
“How are you?”

Because some people also say
“How are you?”
When all they really mean is “Hello!”
Say, I bumped into you,
You would say, “Hey, how are you!”
A tap on my shoulder, and you’re off to where you’re headed.
Oh, I thought you were asking how I was?
I was ready to reply!
But it seems, you just passed by!

Sometimes,
It’s also hard to respond
Because you seem to be looking for something else
You wouldn’t take silence for an answer
But what if all I can give
Is a shrug, a half smile,
And ten whole minutes of staring into the wind?
A gaze that wants to say a lot
But can’t find the right words to say…
And if I try,
All that comes out is just a sigh.

But once in a while, that says even more, doesn’t it?
There’s not one bit of pretence and you’re awfully sure
Isn’t that what you want—
For the person you’re asking
To be true to you?

Besides, not all emotions can be given a name
At least, not straight away
Not everything gone through needs to be labelled
And it’s not every day that the sun shines brightly…
I fully recognise
The oft-contending wills
From the depths of my being
So my not answering is an answer
Because the question itself is simply complicated

Indeed, that’s why the question
Is hard to answer
And actually, also hard to ask
Because think about it:
It’s just casual,
You’re asking me how I’m doing
And all of a sudden
I couldn’t fight the tears
And all at once, you became… home—
Like a mother, a spouse, a best friend—
You became a space, my place, to live…
Are you ready for that?
That’s not a simple thing.
And as for me, it’s something huge.

It’s definitely a tough question to answer…
So I hope you wouldn’t mind
If I can’t answer you right away
Or if I respond with the standard reply I think you want to hear
Because…
I need to know first:
When you ask, “How are you?”
Which do you want—
To listen to an answer
Or to listen to my soul
The real Me?

——

The original version of this poem was sent to me by a person called Angeline. We’ve met years ago and I’ve long forgotten her full name, but I’ve saved this since our talk. She thought it was something that should be said in person but gave me the permission to post. So I made some edits and tried my best to translate the essence into English.

Happy New Day 🌻

How has your first month been?

Is this the time of the year that people begin slipping out of their new year’s resolutions and then either rationalise their choices (I’ll just try again next year) or torture themselves with self-criticism? 😅

Brand new beginnings always make each new year so alluring. But since resolutions never worked for me, I’ve only stuck with summarising and evaluating my years through a series of questions. Assessing and documenting remind me of the little victories and the failures that turned into lessons learned.

One thing I’m slowly learning is to live life a day at a time because I can only really handle today’s troubles…  So whenever I fail, I tell myself, “I’ll try again tomorrow.” Because instead of new years, I’ve come to love new days. The morning sun reminds me to be grateful for each of the 365 new chances I have each year.

My mornings are not always filled with fresh hope though… And there’s no guarantee I’ll wake up tomorrow. But whenever I do, I try to remind myself of the new beginning I’ve been blessed with. Ah… our lives are filled with new days, numerous second chances to experiment, to be curious, to explore, to grow, to love, and to be just a little braver with each step…

So while the night may seem so long at times, I’m driven by the hope that the best is yet to come. I’m even learning to appreciate the night knowing that morning will come.

Whether you’ve been slaying your resolutions or feel like the past month has gone by like the wind, I hope you’re reminded that today’s a brand new beginning too. Happy new day! 🌞

When Together

They kept telling me,

“Keep your head up!”

“Do not take it to heart.”

But I wanted to be sad. I wanted to feel all the pain. I wanted to mourn for my loss.

For the first time ever, I didn’t want to run away.

Because I knew… if only I muster enough courage to look him in the face, I might actually come across a familiar face.

And boy, was I right—it was an old friend of mine who always taught me to become a little stronger, a little softer, more human, even as the world continues to numb itself. He helped me to see that life is beautiful even when viewed through the lens of its bittersweet realities. He taught me that life’s charm sometimes lies in its uncertainties. He taught me the hard way. His name is Pain.

So, whether it’s because people don’t want to see others suffer or are uncomfortable to see them suffer or just don’t know how to deal with pain or simply just want to help, cheering someone on may not always be the best approach… Often, all a pained person needs is for someone to be there—no advice, no solutions, no nothing—just a listening and caring companion. There is no urgency to try to immediately ‘fix’ anything… Sometimes, the best solution is to simply go through it and feel everything—together.

When together, everything is more bearable and less scary. When together, everything seems reachable. Magical, life-changing hope thrives on togetherness.

Perhaps it’s because we live in a fast-paced world that when we encounter problems, our automatic response is to immediately find a solution. If that fails, we try to just distract ourselves and move on. Sometimes, we just shove off our emotions to the closet because it seems we simply don’t have the time and energy and courage to deal with them. And then we try to convince ourselves that we’re okay. Because we’re foolish enough to think that we can selectively numb ourselves—and there is no such thing; numbing ourselves from the ugly emotions also rids us of the ability to fully feel all the beautiful ones.

And so, I pray, that God would teach me to suffer well, to brave the emotional rollercoaster ride and feel everything and not be afraid to show it, to slow down, to take notice, to listen with all ears, and to just walk with a friend…

The next time you find yourself itching to give your next big advice or are just clueless about what to do, perhaps it could be helpful to hush for a moment and just listen… Just be there… Feel with them… Your friend may benefit more from your listening ear and heartfelt embrace.

Let’s walk this narrow, winding road together. And when we find out where it leads, we’ll be happy together too. Everything is a little nicer when we’re together.